I have been a student of human
relationships, behaviour and leadership skills. This is to touch upon a
sensitive topic that I feel is more prevalent in some of the Gen X Men, or in
particular, Husbands.
The Gen X guys are far more
ambitious and evolved than their previous generations. These guys may have
exhibited far better leadership skills professionally at a very young age, may
be getting paid handsomely and might be leading a luxurious life. Yet if I can
make a bold statement, the previous generation Men were a little better in
handling their families.
Today, the size of the families
are quite restricted, and mostly nuclear families. Hence the challenges of
handling and managing large extended families are never there. Even within the
nuclear families, the problems seem to be a lot more. Why?
Earlier there used to be a strict
formula being adopted (across the word) with the Fathers being considered the
head and so naturally it used to be a typically male dominated society. However
that did not mean the women folk were voiceless. The womenfolk were the anchors
in the family who took care of every relationship and in raising the children,
while the menfolk were the main bread winners. The mother would instil respect
for the father in their children while the father was away working. The formula
seemed to have worked successfully for centuries across the globe.
There seems to be a confusion
among some set of Gen X Men. While they show exemplary leadership qualities in
their business or career, at home they tend to be a little meek. Not that they
do not want to express their leadership, they think that as neo liberals they
need to provide equality in the household. Noble thought! Neither am I against
gender equality. However in the process
they forget that they are the head of the families. And in due course the man
starts to give into the tantrums or to the unwarranted demands of the wife,
failing and often wondering how to say No. They remain timid. Over a period despite all the professional
successes of the man, he remains a meek and docile subordinate at home not
being able to be decisive. I do not want to call these men henpecked. And as
this continues, the man slowly gets into the process of depression, not being
able to express this situation with anyone else. Not even to his best friend.
Where did the man go wrong? He
has been so devoted to his dear wife. He has been successful and earning well
too. He is able to provide the best of the luxuries to his family. Yet he is
not able to manage himself well. Nor is he happy.
I recently saw a video by a
renowned psychiatrist who was talking about a concept called Vitamin N – or the
concept of saying NO, while raising children. He was of the strong opinion that
as a parent one should more often learn to say No in the best interest of the
kids than falling prey to their demands and nagging. This would make them
better human beings at a later stage. Similarly the man should also learn to
say No to the wife and not hesitate to take some tough stances in the larger
interests of the family. There may be momentary displeasure or disagreements,
but over the long run it would get ironed out.
The man should remember that he
is the “Head of the family” and not just a devoted husband. I am not
undermining the qualities of the fine lady. This is certainly not about
chauvinism or female oppression. This is only about some fine responsibilities
which the man should not shy away in the name of gender equality.
Take charge.
In the long run it will be alright.
As they say in my mother tongue – “Kootti Kazhichu paaru, Ellaam sariya varum”.
A loose translation – “there might be some pluses and minuses, but overall it
should be fine”. And yes, your wife will actually start respecting you even
more.
You, The Man!
Beautifully said , it's like speaking every mind to the current generation , more importantly to the context of how generation have lived and how we must live in a society with all modernhood status
ReplyDeleteQuite true Dharma. Most men don't mind playing a second fiddle at home particularly when they are in a position to call the shots at office. They are willing to relinquish the decision making process at home. Situations may differ from family to family basis how the spouse handles the freedom and free run given. Good for the family as long as they don't run amok. Prem.
ReplyDeleteIn family setting, it's not just about the qualities of a man or woman. It is about developing complementary skills to offset mutual deficiencies. It's important to take charge at the right (not all the) time. Good reflective article.
ReplyDeleteIn the modern world, both men and women are equally educated and skilled. Their awareness of the world is high and this, in general, lends itself to both the man and woman stepping in to discuss, deliberate and in turn, try to take charge. Some situations require continued attention and if the woman is the one in a position to spare the time and mind, why not?! In my opinion,whatever works for the family in a peaceful manner is fine. It is their responsibility to not create a conflict in the minds of the children.
ReplyDeletePotential topic for Neeya Naana...;-))
ReplyDeletePotential topic for Neeya Naana...;-))
ReplyDeleteNicely said. A lot more complex. I believe these men you are talking about might have lost their "power" in their relationship for few simple reasons 1) Always the first ine to apologize 2) unable to run the household by themselves fully 3) Have a higher libido than their wives and have to always compromise....
ReplyDeleteCant fathom y it is assumed that the wife throws tantrums and has unwarranted demands? Where two minds are in harmony, where is the need for a 'head'? 'Two hands' may be better said in todays world?
ReplyDeleteGreat thought provoking topic! I feel that whenever there is overdose of dominance be it male or female it is a recipe for disaster. I agree with you 100% that many successful men with outstanding leadership qualities are reduced to meek husbands by their so called liberal wives
ReplyDeleteThings have changed in woman's favor so much that very soon men will fighting for their freedom !
A complex gender sensitive and ofcourse a bit thought provoking post Dharma:)
ReplyDeleteTo put it in a single sentence,"What you allow is what will continue".This applies to both men and women,but quite difficult to accept or follow as it has many hurdles in the form of society, parents kids etc.
Having said this, I totally disagree with some statements:)
"The previous generation men were a little better.....".In reality previous generation women were sober,soft and tolerant and lived under societal pressure.A small percentage came out now.
Problems were there,but hardly came out.Going to counsellors or at the most sharing with friends were social taboos.
The formula "Fathers being considered head.....centuries".
How did you determine the success rate here? Based on divorce rates? Then I would say, divorce is still a social ev atleast in India.There can be no head or tail in a relationship.If it exist the bonding is lost then and there. Mutual respect is all that is needed.
To complete, yes, both men and women face problems in a relation and the sufferings that women undergo are not entirely same as men(like finance, moral code of conduct etc.in the case of women). In my opinion even now it is the women who suffer(gives in) the most though I do agree that men too face problems.
For a happy married life change has to come from both sides. Problem creeps in when one tries to cut the wings of the other.
To all men: Be(come) a man from mamma's boy!
To all women: Be(come)a woman from daddy's girl!