Be a Man!

I have been a student of human relationships, behaviour and leadership skills. This is to touch upon a sensitive topic that I feel is more prevalent in some of the Gen X Men, or in particular, Husbands.

The Gen X guys are far more ambitious and evolved than their previous generations. These guys may have exhibited far better leadership skills professionally at a very young age, may be getting paid handsomely and might be leading a luxurious life. Yet if I can make a bold statement, the previous generation Men were a little better in handling their families.

Today, the size of the families are quite restricted, and mostly nuclear families. Hence the challenges of handling and managing large extended families are never there. Even within the nuclear families, the problems seem to be a lot more. Why?

Earlier there used to be a strict formula being adopted (across the word) with the Fathers being considered the head and so naturally it used to be a typically male dominated society. However that did not mean the women folk were voiceless. The womenfolk were the anchors in the family who took care of every relationship and in raising the children, while the menfolk were the main bread winners. The mother would instil respect for the father in their children while the father was away working. The formula seemed to have worked successfully for centuries across the globe.

There seems to be a confusion among some set of Gen X Men. While they show exemplary leadership qualities in their business or career, at home they tend to be a little meek. Not that they do not want to express their leadership, they think that as neo liberals they need to provide equality in the household. Noble thought! Neither am I against gender equality.  However in the process they forget that they are the head of the families. And in due course the man starts to give into the tantrums or to the unwarranted demands of the wife, failing and often wondering how to say No. They remain timid.  Over a period despite all the professional successes of the man, he remains a meek and docile subordinate at home not being able to be decisive. I do not want to call these men henpecked. And as this continues, the man slowly gets into the process of depression, not being able to express this situation with anyone else. Not even to his best friend.

Where did the man go wrong? He has been so devoted to his dear wife. He has been successful and earning well too. He is able to provide the best of the luxuries to his family. Yet he is not able to manage himself well. Nor is he happy.

I recently saw a video by a renowned psychiatrist who was talking about a concept called Vitamin N – or the concept of saying NO, while raising children. He was of the strong opinion that as a parent one should more often learn to say No in the best interest of the kids than falling prey to their demands and nagging. This would make them better human beings at a later stage. Similarly the man should also learn to say No to the wife and not hesitate to take some tough stances in the larger interests of the family. There may be momentary displeasure or disagreements, but over the long run it would get ironed out.

The man should remember that he is the “Head of the family” and not just a devoted husband. I am not undermining the qualities of the fine lady. This is certainly not about chauvinism or female oppression. This is only about some fine responsibilities which the man should not shy away in the name of gender equality.

Take charge.

In the long run it will be alright. As they say in my mother tongue – “Kootti Kazhichu paaru, Ellaam sariya varum”. A loose translation – “there might be some pluses and minuses, but overall it should be fine”. And yes, your wife will actually start respecting you even more.

You, The Man!

The Real time (Video) Game

I have never been a fan of video games since my childhood. When some of my friends had video games and they would play with elan, I would just look at them and walk away.

I used to wear a Casio electronic watch then. It also had a small version of video game in it which I seldom played. Coming to think of it those Casio watches were perhaps today’s smartphones! So even today I don’t play games on my phone. Why? May be I am never good at it. It needs some nerve to hold. It needs patience.  I would feel stressed out and give up, while popularly those were supposed to be stress busters! The timing has to be so perfect to master a particular jump or hit a target or whatever. That level of precision or timing might not have been conducive for my restless and fidgety nature, so I never felt like venturing.

Enough said, and then life changes. I still don’t like video games, but I play a real-time version of it every day.  And trying to master it every single day.

Can you guess what I am referring to? If you have not guessed it as yet – it is the driving in Indian roads! For the time being I am going to stick to my observations to Mumbai, the city that I live in! I am told most other cities in India are far worse if not different, when it comes to driving comfort.

Nonetheless…

When I first came into this city of dreams( indeed it is, and I am in love with this city) many years ago, this city was well known for the most disciplined more so with respect to traffic. People were selfless and abided by the rules and regulations strictly, perhaps they were wired in such a way that they did not have time to think of anything else but to follow the rules. Life was cool, mechanical and yet good.

What has changed? Life is still good, life is still mechanical.

In an earlier organisation where I was working more than a decade and a half ago, I was one of the lucky employees to get a car. The company car came with a few riders which would reflect even in my performance appraisal. I was not just expected to deliver the business results, but there were a plethora of other soft Key Result Areas which were as important. One such used to be the concept of “defensive driving”! I was groomed in such an environment of excellent practices and had a chance to practice in the most disciplined city of India.

What has changed? Life is still good, life is still mechanical. But should I say, it has become a lot more adventurous. Driving now is a crazy circus.

Let me narrate as a passive rider-observer.

• What happens when you land in a junction without a signal? Everyone jumps in resulting in an uncalled for jam that lasts for 20 minutes for no reason. # Me first! Me first and lo! All last! Or, At last!

• Ok, you are in the junction, again unmanned and without a signal, and you are just about to cross junction. You hold your nerve to jump before the guy from your right blocks you who had been inching. Alas, a cyclist just passes by. You missed it by a fraction of a second. The cyclist moves. You suddenly get a feeling that the cyclist opened a flood gate! A stream of vehicles gush out. You are stuck again. And wait for your chance to pounce on without allowing another cyclist or the pedestrian to pass by. In my mother tongue(Tamil) – there’s a slang referring to this bizarre concept. Literally! #Cyclegap #Tamilslang

• Oh, the pedestrians have the right to cross anywhere and everywhere. They just have to show their hand and the whole world has to come to a halt. The only catch is every 10 meters on a busy road, someone has to cross! #Every minute pit-stop

                                            

• Children now are learning from their “right”eous parents to wave their hand to stop any vehicle anywhere, as their rights. The keep their hands high, above their head. #Pass on the rights

• Ah, the autorickshaws –don’t get me started on this topic please. They can stop in the middle of the road. Can take a U turn anywhere. Board passengers anywhere. Signals or one ways do not matter to them. They somehow remind me of a million cockroaches in a place nibbling away on their way! #Coackroaches are known to survive even volcano!

• Bikers – you find all types of bikers. This population has increased significantly lately. From Antics to Antiques on the road. There are loud engine Heroes with girlfriends as pillions and want to show off their heroic driving skills to impress the belle. While I am scared, I wish them well. # The Beau & the Belle

• The other day, while I was waiting in the long queue on a heavily traffic road (as usual), a biker came next to me a started yelling. I was on the left most lane. Already there were seven lanes of cars formed on a four lane road. My friends who come from abroad would be amazed at our driving in Mumbai as we are used to drive with a 3 inch gap between adjacent vehicles, in front or on the sides. Ok, let me not digress – I was wondering why that biker was yelling at me for no fault of mine. I realised that I was at the left most end not leaving any gap. Oh there’s this unwritten rule that I am supposed to leave a 2 feet gap between the pavement and my car, so that biker trail can squeeze through. #Bikers’ rights for the left

                                     

• Mumbai welcomes and accommodates anybody anywhere. There’s a place for anyone. Seldom a no. That includes these mute(moo) friends too… #Morning breakfast #Evening troll #Holy cow!

                                       

                                           

•  And the most intriguing question – why do people honk? #Thunderous

To me driving is as wonderful and adventurous as the videogame. However, unlike the gadget I am now trying to improve in this real time game.  It makes me patient, it makes me perfect my timing. I become magnanimous in allowing an old person to pass by even if it is not a pedestrian crossing area, but not allow the tea sipping hand waver.

Will I be able to follow those defensive driving fundamentals & techniques that I was once proud of?

It is blissful to drive without the use of the horns.

And it is monsoon time in Mumbai, and it is fun to drive during the monsoons.

Despite the million potholes and all the civic issues, we Bombayites(nee Mumbaikars) are very rarely delayed for meetings. The Mumbai professionalism is still intact.

Life is still cool, life is still mechanical. Life is still good. #Mumbaimerijaan!

Let’s agree to disagree

We are all now living in the era of social media. Communication is now becoming more common and easier through texting.

While it is easy and spontaneous, the pit fall of this, is the waning art of face to face communication or even an urge to pick up the telephone and speak.

The skills one used to develop to talk to the other person whether they are colleagues or friends or even family members are less visible now a days. To argue, to debate, to confront and to arrive at a logical solution in person is getting limited.

It is now easy to pick up a conversation or a “chat” with a stranger and be connected in the social media! Even friends are connected more through the social media.

There are two main schools of thoughts about social media communication, one arguing that social media are dissolving the social fabric of society by limiting personal interaction and another arguing that social media increase interaction by allowing faster exchange of information.

While there are pros and cons to both, like on any subject.  I want to touch upon one of the weird facet of communication in the social media.

If you go through the current pattern of communications, it is bizarre to see how people unfortunately get divided over ideologies often. More so, if those are pertaining to politics or matters relating to religion/faith. And interestingly they are more “vocal” in expressing their views/ideologies in the social media.

What starts as a friendly banter often ends up in flares between groups with many taking each sides in a public domain. This could happen between friends too who are on the opposite spectrum of ideologies, but otherwise great friends. The concern is - in the social media, the effect and the counter effects are so strong, many friends end up altercating over some ideologies in the virtual platform at a time when they would have actually chilled out over a glass of beer. Not sure if this is really healthy. I do not know as yet, if this has any impact on the actual relationship between the friends (away from the virtual world).

Interestingly we are also seeing eminent personalities getting into such tussles in the public domain. I am not sure if it is worthy enough for the celebrity. Perhaps it gives them attention – good or otherwise.

Euphemisms give way for dysphemisms to take over! Hyperboles give way to rhetorics! And trolling becomes a part of communication, if not life!

I agree healthy debates lead to healthy solutions. I do hope that things get structured to the level of seeing matured social responses (for and/or against) in the larger interest of people and the society.

A new trend is emerging in the context of social media. It’s not the end, but perhaps a new beginning to respectfully come out of an infinite loop of arguments or aporia with this immensely useful old phrase – Let’s agree to disagree!

It’s all about perceptions

The other day I finished my dinner and I sat on the couch wanting to read something. My wife was flicking channels in the television and she hit upon the famous epic Ramayan. 

So, I decided to a spare a few minutes to check out how they are narrating the good old Ramayan in today’s era. I wasn’t surprised to note that what they showed on the television was so different from what I had learnt about Ramayan as a kid. These guys showed new twists and turns, new stories added with more drama and pomp. We can’t question the authenticity of this version, as there have always been different versions of the epic from time immemorial through different authors, languages and narratives.

And soon, we got into a debate touching upon the different versions of Ramayan.

One of the concepts which had totally different connotations was on the topic of Kaikeyi.

And I decided to dig deeper. As we all know and have heard famously or infamously – Kaikeyi, poisoned in the mind by her accomplice Manthara - was instrumental in ousting the noble Ram to the forest and that she demanded the throne for her son Bharat. So, she became the initial villain in the story.

However, in every version of the epic, it was always mentioned that Kaikeyi was the most charming and intelligent of all the Queens of King Dasharat. She was known for her valor and had infact saved the King’s life too in a war. She was known to be adept in astrology as well. And she was the most fond of Ram and initially she was the most excited when it was announced that Ram would be the Crown Prince.

So what changed and how did it change?

I came across a very different and an interesting version of the epic and point of view. It goes like this.

Kaikeyi with her prowess in astrology was of the opinion that it was not the best time for Ram to be coronated and that whoever would be the king at that time could have a threat for his life. She felt Ram should be safe for the betterment of humanity for a long time. And therefore she was ready to sacrifice her own son Bharat and so she claimed that her son Bharat be named the crowned price. She also had the vision that Ram had more important tasks to be fulfilled through his sojourn in the jungles. She had apparently felt that if she had not enforced that veto power of hers through her boon, her pleas wouldn’t be heard by the King Dasharat. Rest is history.

Today, Kaikeyi is considered the epitome of selfishness and vile. To the extent that her own fond son disowned her!

The purpose of this note is not to narrate a different take of the story. Nor is it to defend Kaikeyi. From the above version, it appears that Kaikeyi’s intentions were noble and she had the best intentions for Ram and the Kingdom and for mankind.

Yet the world branded her in the totally opposite way.

Haven’t we all faced situations where in we have felt that we are being misunderstood for something we have not mentioned or intended. Haven’t we felt victimised in our own minds? If not us directly, we know of some people who have been targeted for no fault of theirs or have become a part of a larger collateral damage. And such situations are quite common in the corporate arena where one person gets earmarked or becomes a scapegoat.

Yeah, it’s all about perceptions. There might be Kaikeyis amongst us in many forms. Perhaps they are for the good.

Emotional Anchors!

Recently I read a blog of a friend and she had mentioned something about emotional anchors in our lives.

That’s a beautiful concept – Emotional Anchors!

I am not sure if we have felt the need for emotional anchors to be there in our lives. I think they just happen. An emotional anchor emerges from nowhere and takes you through the ups and downs and helps you through the situation selflessly. They come in any form. Your Best friend, Spouse, Sibling, Parent, A Colleague, Boss, Teacher - depending on your situation they transform to become your confidante, providing great support, guidance etc. If not anyone else, sometimes your own alter ago can be your EA. Some even rely on God to awaken their inner self to take them through the different paths. Some rely on concepts of soul mates. Or as my cousin says, somebody to nourish his soul.

All of these lead to that one person whom I call – The Emotional Anchor! As the words imply,  this person is the best person to understand your emotions in that situation and be the "anchor" to help you grounded without drifting away due to external forces or internal turmoil.

From time to time a person can have different emotional anchors depending on circumstances, location and a myriad of other variables and factors.

The role the emotional anchor plays is very crucial and interesting depending on the situation. A person need not be offered an advice or a solution. Many a time, he just needs to be heard. The EA in such cases becomes a sounding board and the person finds his way out automatically. The EA is just able offer such invaluable support, and often effortlessly.

Without realizing, we all become emotional anchors to someone else automatically and at the same time, we also seek such support for ourselves too. While people can be emotional anchors mutually, it need not be a vice versa phenomenon. Even between spouses! I know it is a tricky subject. Still, spouses need not be mutual emotional anchors to each other. In fact in many situations, it works better otherwise, for maintaining harmony and stability. Having said that, there would be innumerable situations wherein a spouse plays crucial and critical roles.

The beauty of an emotional anchor is the selfless support being provided, without being judgemental, without malice and above all without letting insecurities, expectations and possessiveness to creep in.

I have been fortunate to have different emotional anchors in my life who have helped me face different challenges and to be successful. Some official, some business related, larger life issues or even a skill issue. I keep getting new emotional anchors who tend feed to the different emotional – tangible and the intangible needs. Some may help with a subtle push to nurture a hobby while someone may help in going after a big dream. Some may help in unearthing a "new" skill, while some one else may help in removing an old mental block.

And, there are some people who are there for me for anything and everything, whatever the weather. They have been through my emotional upheavals. Having travelled a long journey together, they are now no longer just my emotional anchors, but anchors at large. They are beyond my emotions.

Just wanted tell those noble souls – Thank you for being there!

Gen Y & X

“This generation of youngsters – they are too lazy to do their stuff. They are good in their work. But lazy. And too much of procrastination”, exclaimed my businessman friend with a concern about his son who has just completed his graduation.  This reminded me of the movie, Wake up Sid!

My friend is paranoid about his son , but I know that his son is actually a genius. I have seen him grow as a kid to a fine young man full of thoughts, ambitions and skills.

A successful dad’s expectations and feelings are quite understandable. Nevertheless, it led me to ponder. The talk about generations!

I belong to the generation called GenX ( typically born between Mid 60s- Early 80s). This generation had been a more studious group, learning to accept diversity as a way of life. A pragmatic and a practical approach to life had been ingrained since childhood in them. Credit cards weren’t born during their childhood days and pocket monies were insignificant. Self reliance and individualistic approaches became common unlike the “joint family” system of the previous generation. These guys got wider exposure hence learnt to reject rules or question the institutions. Many from this generation got used to both their parents working and a lot were of the “Latch-Key kid” types. They grew up with very few TV channels and later on got used to learning Personal Computers. Having found their niche rising up through sheer hard work and they firmly believe there’s no substitute to hard work in attaining anything. They are good at multitasking. They love being with friends and also with family but they consider family and friends as two separate entities. They consider the work place as a great place to learn. Expect freedom, flexibility and respect in the work place while making it a casual and friendly environment and are generally loyal. This generation has the maximum number of post graduates, but so have been the divorce rates. And since these guys have been through a vast variety of transitions from liberalisation to recession and through technology transformations, they have been a confused lot. However they make up largely with their focus, determination, analytical approach and a nice temperament.

I have been quite observant of the next generation. The GenY! So to say, I am actually in awe of the GenY. Born in the era around early 90s!  These guys got everything they wanted since childhood. A little more pampered as kids, yet well nurtured. They love and celebrate diversity. They follow a more optimistic approach to life. They are highly individualistic and more self-inventive in their outlook. They are very expressive with their views. While they had their pocket monies, quite a lot of them started having secondary credit cards through their parents.  Born in the age of Internet, and have been a good adopter of technologies. They have never been bogged by the rules or traditionalism, rather they prefer to rewrite the rules their way. They express an attitude of irrelevance to institutions. They belong to the era of specialisations. They multitask swiftly and are more driven by passion than emotions. They tend to be less loyal to brands in their purchasing patterns. A Sharp intellect and a good business acumen make them early entrepreneurs. I only wish and hope that they complete their education, as some of them seem to nurture business ideas while in college itself. Given a structured work environment with good support systems, they tend to outperform. However they are highly specialised and individualistic in their approach and prefer an interactive relationship than a collaborative relationship at workplace. Given a task they are high performers, but have very high expectations and demands too. Too quickly and too early in their life.

Gen Xers would question this approach, as with any different generations. GenX are used to the grind and have reached their level after slogging for decades while the GenY would like to reach the level in just a few years. Do they deserve this?

I want to tell my business man friend - the new lot are not lazy or that they are not focussed. They actually work for their passions. And when they find it, they go all out. They do not like to work just for the sake of working.

They love their luxuries and like to have a merry time. And Yes, Friends are families too. 

Give the GenY a chance. They have it in them to turn around the world and to show a new picture. Of course they may commit some mistakes in the process. That would be a part of the learning. They may not have the experience of having faced multiple difficult circumstances. But I am sure they have it in them to bounce back and fast, if at all.

I feel a GenX & GenY combo can be quite lethal in a business environment. The sharp intellect of the GenY supported with the maturity and wisdom of GenX – one can arrive at great decisions under varied circumstances.

Yes, I am looking forward to working and learning more from my GenY colleagues. Perhaps, that may make me wiser J.

While on the topic of X & Y, I am coping to accept the terminology of XoXo!

New Year and the way forward!

New Year is an interesting time of the year when people try to come up with some resolutions, course corrections and so on. There are many articles also with predictions on the how the year is going to be for people at large.

Some of the random trends that I have been watching over the months that made me curious and what I feel may prevail or get structured over the year. You may call this a wayside commentary!

Emotional Connect – A sudden new trend emerging wherein the emotional appeal overtaking reason and logic in many things around us. We may see the brand marketeer use more of emotions to connect than with facts. Let’s see how this takes shape over the year.  

Like how we have a pantone colour shade for the year, we will be having “Emotion” of the year that is expected to loom around different parts of the world.

Almost a vast majority of the people watching a News item in a local channel used to feel that their blood pressure rose at least for a few minutes due to the sheer nature of the way the particular news item was handled and the ensuing loud debates/arguments. Yes, the news channels are programmed to give a negative shade for their own interests. Yet, now people are getting acclimatised to this concept and perhaps it does not bother them any longer. Not that people have become “thick skinned” while watching news item or even dealing with people on social media nee “trolls”.  They are now more focused and are realising that these and such innuendos are not worth losing their sleep. The positive outcome is that this has helped people learn to deal with them or react with a dash of subtle humour!

The emphasis in articles are no longer by just crisp bullet points. They are by “listicles”. Get used to the “21 pictures that will restore your faith in humanity” or “10 reasons why you should have Oatmeal for breakfast” and the likes.

It’s now inevitable. The smart phones have taken over our lives. And we are all getting addicted to them, and almost impossible to resist. However, there is a shift in perspective. People have started getting into doing Tech detox. A regime like how people adopt dieting and fitness strategies. So, do not be surprised if a friend suddenly opts out of your active Whatsapp group – he might be just toning his mind-technology muscles. Or someone else may be opting a need based communication strategy or responding to just “tags”.

Talk of social media group communications – another firm trend is that people no longer are interested in dull forwards or jokes in their groups. There could be healthy debates on any topic under the sun with diverse opinions within the groups, but forwards are strictly avoidable.

Kids become geeky too early. And we can expect many new ventures and concepts arising out of college students.  I only wish that they complete their courses.  Or will the business take over their minds?

Apps – How much ever we may be vary of individual apps on our phone and may crib that apps are occupying space in our phones. Let’s admit – we look forward to apps for everything. From booking our transport to reading to learning to counting our steps or to keep track of how much we eat…..

App is the way forward. It‘s going to be exciting times ahead as we hone our skills to use different functional apps wisely without actually fretting.

Happy New Year All!